Aster No Questions

Hiking the other day, we happened upon several bunches of beautiful wild asters. Seen in riotous profusion this time of year, they are often observed in cultivated gardens throughout the countryside. The name- aster, gave me pause to remember a saying hundreds of years old. . . Ask her (aster) no questions and she’ll tell you no lies, or rather, ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

The phrase is intended to mean that I cannot give you a true or exact answer, so you may as well not ask me. Don’t question me on the topic because I will probably lie. If you want the truth, you’d better not ask directly. You shouldn’t ask because the truth- either will offend you or it isn’t your place to receive it. Please don’t ask because it will be more truth than you wanted or too little to satisfy, or both. Whether I am unable to answer your questions, or whether I choose not to answer, that is for me to know.

After some digging, I found that the question is attributed to the Irish playwright, Oliver Goldsmith, and his comedy, She Stoops to Conquer, written 1773. This charming comedy was performed in London and has delighted audiences for over two centuries. Ironically, it uses the word “fibs” rather than lies. Later, the phrase was made widely known by the likes of Bing Crosby, the Andrews Sisters, and even Lynyrd Skynyrd who all sang about the topic.

Questions often seem to make many people uncomfortable. But why is that? Are questions uncomfortable because we don’t always have the answers? Do they make one uneasy because we’re left feeling exposed? Do we feel confronted—like we’re being “questioned?” There is a difference between asking a question and questioning. Relatives, friends, or even strangers may intend to be caring or concerned, yet still ask inappropriate, intrusive, or downright rude questions. According to Ecclesiastes, there is a “time to be silent and a time to speak.”

As people genuinely care, often the uncomfortableness was unintended. Why are they asking you this question? Every so often someone is just simply nosy. Do they need the information they’re asking for? While honesty is always the best policy, answering your best in those situations may necessitate being vague or not directly answering the offending question. What could they do with any information you give them? Sometimes it might entail ignoring the question or changing the subject. A little infused humor might possibly deflect the infraction. Often, it means turning the question back around to the other person. Practicing limits or boundaries politely is necessary, because sometimes uncomfortable questions stem from an unhealthy, rebellious attitude or anger and jealousy.

That’s an interesting question. I’m sorry, that’s personal. Why are you asking? This isn’t a good place to discuss that. That’s a very long story, and a lifetime wouldn’t be enough time to explain. “Aster no questions and she’ll tell you no lies.”

~Rhonda